I'll Probably Find You, Bike Thief

Dear Bike Thief,

Poor choice my friend. You have chosen to steal a bike from an extremely vengeful little girl (out of her OWN HOUSE) who built her bike from the frame up and knows damn well what her bike and all of its parts looks like. And guess what?! She's not the only one who knows and loves this bike! Her and her whole biker gang also know this bike inside and out. And guess what else?! You didn't just steal HER bike, you stole her two roommates' bikes as well. So now you don't just have a really really pissed off hard ass little gypsy and her whole bike posse coming after you, you have her housemates too. Sucks to be you, idiot bike thief. Minneapolis only offers so many places to hide. And yes, we did find the last bike whose lock was cut before it was stolen and went through several hands and a couple of cities. It is, in fact, back in the rightful hands of its original owner. So if I were you, I would do my best to return my bike back to where you found it hanging up inside of my house (the back yard would also be fine), without us seeing you, before we find it. Don't be more stupid than you already were. Do the right thing.

Sincerely,
I'm going to find you.


In this picture:
Safety Bike before I put a red wheel set on it, one black pedal arm, and a new seat.

Poor Bike

Hah hah, so I was riding up Guadalupe St. today thinking of buttercups and gumdrops when I saw a most peculiar flyer. Hm, I thought, THAT bike looks exactly like THIS bike I 'procured' from some knucklehead who left it laying around outside in some grass. Really, I didn't think that you would put flyers up! It's a DECENT bike but only because of the skull. Yea, I left the skull flag on there but I painted over the lightning bolt. It's now an ewok. Skull. An ewok skull. I also don't consider myself a thief, though I thank you for the compliment. At least I'm SOMETHING. Up until this point I hadn't really managed to be anything at all. I also replaced the 20" rims with 21" inch rims because it looks a LOT cooler. Not only that but it makes your flyers TOTALLY useless considering, you know... the rims are 21" now. I just thought of that. Neat. I wear a helmet too. A really, really, expensive helmet that comes with life insurance and a phoenix down. Thanks a lot buddy, you'll never catch me afterall. You know that, right? You'll never see this bike again. I'll ride some other bike- like my tricked out Schwinn with chrome fenders and a basket I totally lifted from this vacant art chick. Later, dude.

Oh, did I mention I don't even like bikes?

- Boris

I'm Not That Mad, But You're a Jerk.

Dear Jerkface,

When you steal something that's worth less than the trouble it causes someone else, you're not cool; you don't win; you're just a jerk.

I wasn't that far from home and I probably should have parked my bike a little closer to where I was hanging out, but since my U-lock was clearly laced through my wheel, I have to conclude that your stealing my quick release axle was just out of spite. Maybe I should have invested in those wheel locks, but you probably would have found some other way to mess up my ride. You're just a jerk.

I had to carry my bike home and I'll have to drive to work tomorrow, but then I'll go to the bike shop and replace the part. I'll forget about it in a few days, but you'll still be a giant jerk. At least when I left my car unlocked and the homeless guy slept in it, someone got a nice place to sleep and my car just smelled funny for a few days. You got nothing worth mentioning and caused me to scrape up my leg when I tried to ride my bike and the wheel came off. You're a jerk.

- Juliana

Bike Thieves Suck Ass

I always lock my bike up to our front porch. But last spring break we were doing a little project and needed to set up a painting station on the front porch, so I wheeled the bike back to the back fence and chained it to the fence. That very night some bastard took it--AND the chain. WTF??

It was just a Schwinn from Target, but I had kind of tricked it out with chrome fenders and a basket in the back. I know the thief probably just rode it close to home and chucked it in a creek somewhere. I hate bike thieves.

- Samantha

You Should've Been Busy Drinking Faygo

Every street has that one house - the one that causes you to hold your breath when you walk by it; the one you'd always skip when trick-or-treating; the one whose occupants you never invited to the block party. Well, the street behind my apartment is no different. It's got that one house and we call it the 'Juggalo House', for obvious reasons (if you need to, look it up - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6V-4jbto2C8&feature=player_embedded).

So, for my birthday this year my family pooled some money together to surprise me with a brand new Trek Soho, and as you can imagine I was pretty stoked about it. I rode it just about every day for the month our little fling lasted, until that fateful day I came home from work to go on a ride and discovered its mysterious disappearance. It'd been locked up to the fence around my back deck, and some cheeky fellow kicked out the beam it was locked to and took it.

Now, remember that house I told you about? You can probably guess what I'm thinking...

Each day I walk by that Juggalo House, you can bet I'll be craning my neck to snoop around for my birthday bike (while holding my breath, of course). Never trust a man with his face painted black and white and a Faygo in his hand.

-Dustin

In Defense of Sally Turkel: A Word of Warning

I get it. My bike is awesome. Like super awesome. She's a vintage green Schwinn Breeze and she's supersexy. She's got a really handy white basket on the front that perfectly fits a 6-pack of beer. She's got a cute little bell with a serene picture of a deer on it for dinging at people in recognition or just when you need them to get out of the way. She's even got the original green seat with a white 'S' printed on it.

That 'S' stands for Schwinn.
That 'S' stands for Sally (her first name).
That 'S' stands for Studard (my last name).
That 'S' also stands for SOHELPMEGODIWILLBREAKYOURLEGSI

FYOUTRYTOSTEALMYBIKE.

You have been warned. She's a lady. So look, but don't touch.

- Kristen

Neighborly Profiteering

I live in a duplex with my buddy living in the other half. Our next door neighbors decided to have a garage sale and when it was all said and done my buddy's girlfriend's bike, which was in our open-air garage and locked up to the frame of the building, had been sold. They apparently decided it was fine to bust the lock on a bike that didn't belong to them in a garage that wasn't theirs, sell it, and pocket the cash.

Their only response: "prove it."

--Shawn