You and Your Cronies Can Go Fly a Kite With a Hole in It, You Jerks.

I was out on a leisurely bike ride through a park when I saw you and your dudes roll up. I shoulda been suspicious of the two guys on one bike. It was like you took off from your thieving hideout with the specific intention to ruin an 8th grade boy’s life. I don't blame you for WANTING my bike. In fact it was a pretty dope Schwinn ten-speed and it even had a sweet U-lock mounted to it, and back in those days, you either had a wussy wire lock or you fucked off. You see, my bike had integrity. I spent many many MANY brutal hours selling gross chocolate bars to hapless suckers outside of every two-bit bingo joint, grocery store, and bowling alley just to WIN this grand prize from my school.

I bet you could tell. I bet the image of my shocked face as my name was read over the loudspeaker during social studies probably flashed through your twisted minds as you concocted your plan of attack. I didn't see it coming but then it happened. You pushed me. You pushed me right off of my prize-winning bike as I was riding it, in front of my little brother, no less (now scarred for life, mind you). And then you had the cojones to ask me if I had the key for my U-Lock.

"How dare you!" I exclaimed. "How dare you knock me off of my chocolate-bar-fueled prize-ride, causing me to muss up my Levi's in front of my brother (did I mention the scarring?)? So give me back my bike before I go bitchcakes on you and your buddies!" Do you remember me saying that? Probably not, because I didn't. I just lay there, shocked and shaking my head, "Uh no, I don't have the key." And then you took off.

And I walked home in tears.

I realize this was 20 years ago, but I believe my bike is still out there, riding proud and strong, all sugared up on some new disgusting chocolate candy of the times. Help me find it. I'm not exactly sure how it looked or what color it was so just to be safe, knock every single person off of every single bike you see for me and ask, "Is this Bob's?"

xxoo
bob